


5 Nights at Bucky's

by Mjs_Wonderland



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Wintersoldier - Fandom
Genre: Angst, BAMF, Cuddling, F/M, Fluff, HYDRA sucks, Hypnotism, Kissing, M/M, Mutant Powers, Mutant traffickers, POV First Person, PTSD, Past Brainwashing, Rehabilitation, Shadow powers, Solitude, Steve is a good friend, You have super powers, a lot of cuddling, cute bucky, lasagna, mostly you and bucky, ooc bucky, saving Bucky, sleepover at buckys, so much cuddling, video games - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-07-28 21:24:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7657261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mjs_Wonderland/pseuds/Mjs_Wonderland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm a loner, an introvert, thus I really don't like it when people just barge in and want something from me. But how can I say no to Captain America asking ME to save his best friend? Especially when I know, I'm the only one who can undo what HYDRA did to him? Oh and Stark is going to pay for all of it. This should be manageable, stay a few nights, get friendly, help him get rid of the brainwash, collect your money, find another safe house and never see them again. Easy, right? Well... things got complicated much.  ... Bucky, what have you done to me?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. BEFORE

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo.... There is a first time for everything, right? THIS is my first time writing a Marvel/Cap Fic and also this is the first time I try the whole POV First Person Reader X Character thingy.... 
> 
> I tried to leave (Y/N) (h/c) etc out because I feel like they kind of stop the reading flow... Also, I tried not to use personal pronouns too much when referring to the protagonist, so that if you're a guy or you prefer to be addressed as one, you too can spend 5 nights at Bucky's ;) (Also the first time I try to write gender neutral. Sorry if I fail.) 
> 
> This story is divided in Before, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and After. 
> 
> Any comments, suggestions etc are highly appreciated. 
> 
> I don't have a beta reader so please forgive me my mistakes. :) 
> 
> Have fun.

“Didn't your momma teach you not to lurk outside someone's bedroom door?”, I yelled. It was the middle of the night and I was cowering in shorts and a tank top behind my kitchen counter, clutching a knife. I looked down at this massive kitchen knife and suppressed a chuckle. I was so out of it when I was sleepy. I tossed it aside, I didn't need a knife. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. They either didn't know who I was or they underestimated what I could do, either way – they were in for some fun. 

The door opened a crack.

I hover my hands above the floor. Another deep breath. 

The shadows of my hands and fingers grew into long tentacles that crawled across the floor around me. My head swayed, I hadn't done this in quite a while. 

The door was pushed open further. Still, no one had crossed the threshold. 

My shadow tentacles made their way towards the door. Just a few inches shy of the door they started to build up, popping out of the floor silently. They wrapped around the door and with the twitch of one of my fingers, they ripped the door out of the frame and hurled it down the hallway. I heard several muffled voices and two big feet running in. I still had no idea who they were, what they wanted and how the fuck they found me. I pulled my shadows up around me, hiding me from anyone's view. He was slowly stalking the apartment. He was still the only presence inside beside me. My shadows followed him, grabbed his ankles and... gone. I heard a thud above me. The kitchen counter. FUCK. Whoever he was, he knew things about me and my powers, obviously. He was standing right above me, looking down. I could feel it. But I was terrified to look up. Never, never had anyone been this close. He knew where I was. “We're not here to hurt you.” Now this was a pleasant voice. Probably with a handsome face. Too bad that I had already planned to get every piece of information out of him, even if I had to make my shadows rip him apart limb from limb. I was breathing hard. “Please, let's just talk.” I looked up. That was my first mistake. Starring down at me was a man known so well, I bet he never had to introduce himself. “I'm Captain America.” Wow. I rolled my eyes and wanted to laugh but forced to refocus. I whispered to my shadows. They carried my voices to the other side of the counter. A little trick I learned when I was running away from mutant traffickers. “I know who you are, I want to know what you want.” Said my voice from the shadows. It sounded distant. I was out of practice. His head whipped around and he stared into the shadows, but he remained above me. 

I sighed internally. I really didn't feel like killing Captain America but he probably wouldn't leave me with another option.  
“We want you to help us.”  
“Lies!” cried the voice from the shadows back. I was getting angry.  
“Listen, I've been looking for you, for a very long time. And if I had planned on killing you, you'd be dead already. But I'm not. I need your help. My friend needs your help.”  
“Why the back-up?”  
“Because my friends don't trust you.”  
“As they should. And you trust me?”  
“Yes. I want to. “  
“Moron.”  
I still wasn't sure about this situation but I figured since he knew where I am there is no need of staying hidden.  
In a swirl of shadows, I stood up and looked up at Captain America, who was still standing on my kitchen counter. He stared at me for at least a minute or two, not moving. Somewhere in the dark hallway, there was a cough. He shook his head and jumped down, landing on light feet next to me. With disappointment I realized, it made no difference, with my height I was tiny compared to him. He stuck his hand out for a handshake. I eyed it suspiciously and eventually shook it. “ 'Been a while since someone dared to touch me.” in my head it had sound much more bad ass and not so depressing. I scolded myself for this lame ass line. His touch was warm and firm. Weird. “What do you want?” I asked him. “Your help.” “With what?” I was getting annoyed. “My friend was brainwashed. I heard you know how to fix that.” 

I hesitated to say no. It sounded interesting. And maybe I could get something out of this. “Alright. But why should I trust you?”  
“Why shouldn't you?” “Last time I trusted someone from the gov they locked me up and used me as a lab rat.”  
“I won't. WE won't. I will personally be responsible that no harm comes to you and when you're done you can leave. No questions, you'll never hear or see me again. Promise.” 

“Why should I do it?”  
“You'll get paid.”  
“How much?” 

“How much do you want?” said another voice from the shadows. “That's -”  
“I know who that is.” I cut Captain America off. Iron Man, who else? “See, Cap? I'm so famous, people don't need to see me, to know it's me.” 

“Yes, your obnoxious voice is very hard to eradicate from my memory. Believe me, I tried.”  
Before he could answer Captain America said: “Can we at least turn on the light?” At the same moment, there were sirens coming closer. The cops, great. Another safe house ruined. “I gotta go.” I turned around but was pulled back by Captain America. He pulled me close, my face crashing into his chest. It was harder than I thought, though I didn't know when I ha ever thought about his chest. “Shh. We got this.” He picked me up and even though I was more than capable of getting away from him, I didn't. I was, first of all, too shocked and overwhelmed by his boldness and frankly by so much body contact. It had been years since someone had touched me on purpose and didn't try to hurt me. He smelled good. I cursed myself. I had been all emotional this week and had felt lonely in my forced isolation, but that a simple manly chest could get me so distracted that I didn't even realize how he carried me outside my apartment, the building and into a helicopter. “What? Where does that thing come from?” I yelled as he pushed me into a seat and handed me a headset. He just shot me a cocky grin and leaned back. “Welcome to the team.”, he said. “Keep dreaming, sunny boy.” I leaned back. Well, I guess I would at least take a look at this brainwashed friend. I had a hunch who it could be, and to be honest that was enough of a reason to risk my life. 

I had heard stories about the Winter Soldier. Captain America, who wanted me to call him Steve, filled me in on the current situation. Bucky, as he kept referring to him, so much so that I even called him that myself, had his new arm ready but wouldn't leave his little apartment or let anyone see him apart from Steve. He was scared of a relapse. So, of course, Steve thought it was a brilliant idea to take me there. 

 

I was a little nervous when Steve knocked on the door. It opened a crack and I could see a suspicious ocean blue eye peeking out. “Who's that?” He asked, eye never leaving mine. “Help. I told you about her, remember?” “Remember how I said no?” “Come on, Bucky.” I could sense his reluctance but he opened the door and we stepped in. I looked him right in the eyes as I walked past him, mainly because I would have been reduced to a drooling, panting mess if had allowed myself to take him in.  
He motioned for us to sit, so I sat down on a lonely arm chair. The men sat on the couch opposite. For a few moments, no one said a thing. I looked at Steve and raised my brows. He looked from me to Bucky and understood. “I'll go?” He got up and looked at Bucky. There was uncertainty written all over their faces. It took a lot of strength not to laugh at them. “No, stay. I'm just being an ass.” I winked at him. Bucky smirked and there was a flash of sympathy in his eyes. “Gotcha'.” I thought. “I figure you're not thrilled about a stranger in your home. Trust me, I know the feeling. Just be happy I told him to knock. Apparently, he likes to lurk and break in much better.” I said with a sly smile. Steve was slowly turning bright red. It was adorable. Bucky chuckled softly and Steve relaxed. I found their dynamic intriguing to say the least. “Bucky, I'm sorry but we should probably do this in the bedroom. Alone. But Steve, you can wait here and... assist if needed.” Steve nodded. If the situation hadn't been so serious, I probably would have laughed out loud at how sexually loaded that comment must sound to someone not knowing what we were talking about.  
“Wait. What do you want to do to me?”  
“I'm going to help you get control of whatever HYDRA did to you. And hopefully, in theory, you won't be able to relapse, never again.”  
He looked at me with those big blue eyes. I couldn't deny that my stomach flipped a little at that. He got up abruptly and I followed him to his bedroom.  
It was just as clean and neat as the rest of his apartment. There was a king size bed with black linens.  
“Alright. Just get comfortable on the bed.” He laid down on his back, hands behind his head, looking at me with an unreadable gaze. I tried to smile and remembered I shouldn't do that. It creeped people out. That's what happens when your life is so miserable that you literally never smile. I sat down next to him. “I'll tell you something about my powers and about the procedure and then you can decide whether to go through or not. Okay?” He nodded. “ I use shadow magic. If there is a shadow, I can talk to it, use its strength. I can also use them to project something in the mind of a person. All I need to do is tell you a story. Your body will be physically hypnotized but your mind will be wide awake. I can guide you to the deepest and darkest part of your subconscious and help you find the trigger.”  
“The trigger?”  
“Whatever they use to activate the Winter soldier. If you find it, it becomes conscious and you can choose to remember it and that takes away its power. A trigger only works if it's rooted in your subconscious mind.” I looked at him waiting for a sign he understood.  
“Does it hurt?” He didn't look at me when he asked quietly. “Sometimes it does. But that depends on the trauma that clouds the trigger. How bad is it? Nightmares, panic attacks, PTSD?” Bucky just nodded. I sighed. “Then it will hurt. Bad. But I'm here. I promise I try to take away as much pain as possible. But You need to trust me. It won't work otherwise.” 

I got up from the bed. “That's it for today.”, I smiled. He looked confused. It was cute, his hair was falling in his face and between those luscious strands peeked his eyes at me. “Like I said, you need to trust me. I'm a specialist in this. I would never try to access the mind of someone who had doubts about my intentions. That's dangerous. No, what we will do is this: I will stop by every day for a few hours or so and we'll do stuff. And when you think you are ready, you tell me. No one will be pressuring you. I told Steve this could take a very long time, depending on how willing you are to work with me.” 

“Okay.” 

“I'll let you think about it for a while. I'll see you Monday.” I left and gave Steve a small wave. He nodded. I left the apartment. Outside was a car that took me back to my guest room in the Stark Tower.


	2. Monday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know... very short :/

MONDAY 1 pm (Night 1)

I knocked on Bucky's door and only seconds later it opened. I was hella nervous. I had only done this a few times before. Back when I lived in captivity. But then it wasn't for a good purpose. It wasn't to free someone, it was to destroy them. And it was painful for them as well as for me. I shoved these thoughts away as I entered Bucky's apartment. “Hey.”, I smiled. He had told Steve that he at least wanted to try. “Hi.” There was a hint of a blush crossing his face, or maybe I imagined it. “So...” I didn't know what to do. How do you get someone to trust you enough to let you stick your mental fingers in their mind? How does that even sound? “I brought a few games I said motioning to the bag I had slung over my shoulder.   
We sat down in the living room, this time, both of us on his light blue couch. I had board games, card games, and video games. We settled for video games first. I beat his ass in tekken, needless to say. Then we played a game with puzzles and riddles and that was what we began bonding over. At some point, even his posture relaxed next to me and he stopped tensing whenever I accidentally touched him. Suddenly my phone rang. Message from Steve. 

“I'm worried. S. ” 

I checked the time. It was 2 am in the morning. We had been playing for over 12 hours. I texted him back that everything was fine. “Wow. I've been here quite a long time.” I said yawning and stretching. “Yea, you should probably get back,huh.” He said. In that exact moment, my stomach growled like a bear. It actually startled me. Bucky just started laughing. And it was a laugh I will never forget. It was honest and light and it made you want to laugh with him. “I should get you something to eat first.” He got up and walked over to the open kitchen. He turned the light on and opened the refrigerator. “You really don't have to put up that effort.” I tried to stop him. “I couldn't send you back hungry, what kind of gentleman would I be then, doll?”   
There was a smoothness in his voice. If I had just had a glimpse of the real Bucky Barnes, I was in for trouble. A man that gives me food, I wondered what stupid kind of a kink that was. “Well alright, whatcha got?” I just knew he would be trouble for my heart or my panties. Probably both. “Nothing.” He laughed and my stomach made a flip. I cursed myself. “Pizza?” We both said at the same time. There was a moment where we just stared at each other and then we burst into laughing.   
We ended up ordering 3 pizzas because both of us realized we hadn't eaten since breakfast. I had a few movies with me as well. Unbelievably his choice ended up to be Finding Nemo. We sat on the couch eating pizza and watched a movie about fishes. It was the best 3 am breakfast/dinner ever. However, what I had not planned was for me to fall asleep. But I did. And when I woke up towards the end of the movie, I realized my head was resting on his shoulder. But he seemed relaxed. I got up. “Sorry.”, I muttered as I rubbed my eyes. He didn't move, or respond. I glanced at him and he was asleep. I got up and looked for my phone, I wanted Steve to pick me up. I felt a slight tug at the back of my shirt and fell back on the sofa. “huh, what?” I turned and there was Bucky, holding onto the hem of my shirt. “Don't” It was more of a grunt than an actual utterance. But I understood. I stood up again but this time, when he reached for my shirt, I took his hand in mine. The cool metal felt good against my warm hands. I liked the cold more anyways. I pulled him towards his bedroom. He fell down on his bed with sleepy eyes and rolled to his side. I laid down opposite of him. His hand found the hem of my shirt again. He held it tight and closed his eyes, sighing a little. Within moments he was asleep again. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and texted Steve.   
“I'll stay the night. See ya tomorrow. Don't worry.”   
He wouldn't like it, but I was too tired to get up and leave. Also, I really wanted to look at a sleeping Bucky. My heart was beating faster. DAMMIT. I cursed myself again. Why was he so gorgeous? I hadn't been in his mind yet, but his eyes promised me something mesmerizing was going on in this pretty head. I sighed, settled in and tried to sleep.


	3. Tuesday Night

TUESDAY ~sometime entirely too early~ (Night 2) 

I woke up to the cold touch of a certain metal hand that was wrapped around my torso. I opened my eyes and was greeted by a pair of beautiful blue eyes. Neither of us said a word or moved an inch. I sighed again and closed my eyes. He pulled me a little closer. It felt good. Too good entirely. Especially when the doorbell rang. It felt too good to let go. “That's Steve.” He growled. I sighed deeply and untangled myself from him. As I walked to the door I was happy that I fell asleep in my clothes. What good would it do if Steve thought Bucky and I were hooking up? It was a way of gaining trust, but something stopped me from trying to simply seduce him to get him to comfortable. I had the feeling that with him I needed to be extra careful. I had dealt with HYDRA in my lifetime on the run, so I could imagine what horrible things he must have gone through. The trauma would be incredible. It would be dangerous for him and for me. I opened the door. “Good mor-” Steve rushed past me. “Did you know how worried I was about you two?” “Is that breakfast I smell?” I said pointing at the bag he was carrying. He just stared at me with anger and frustration. “I'm trying to help Bucky. I am not here to explain myself or my actions to you every step of the way.” I said calmly. Resignation covered his eyes. “Sorry.” He simply mumbled. It was good enough for me. Bucky came out of his bedroom, eyes half closed, hair tousled and still wearing his jeans, as I took the bag out of Steve's hands and started putting breakfast on the table. Bucky shuffled behind me and again I felt a slight tuck on the hem of my shirt. Steve shot him a curious look and I just raised my eyebrows but continued. Like a child, he kept his grip tight and followed me around the small kitchen. None of us said a word, but at some point, I turned around and gave Bucky a confused look. “You said I need to get used to you. This helps.” He didn't look at anyone when he said that, his voice quiet and serious. I shrugged and kept on working. It wasn't bothering me, so why not. That's a lie. Well, I wasn't bothered but I was just bothered by my racing heart and my inability to think of anything else, whenever his fingers accidently touched the skin under my shirt. I was made of goosebumps. We had breakfast and didn't talk much. Afterwards, I said I had to go with Steve because I needed to change and take a shower. “Wait.” Bucky vanished into his bedroom. A few minutes later he re-entered the room dressed in black jeans and a black sweater. My stomach flipped. DAMMIT. I cursed myself again. “I'm coming too.” He simply said. Steve and I looked at each other and shrugged. Saying anything might have changed his mind so I thought it was best to get going as soon as possible. I grabbed my purse and walked to the door. 

We got to the Tower and Bucky followed me up. When he attempted to leave the elevator with me, Steve grabbed his arm. “Buddy, I'll take you to her later, but let her shower in peace alright?” His voice was soft only a mild tone of teasing in it. Bucky had a noticeable blush creeping up his face and nodded. “Sorry, didn't think about that.” I smiled. “I won't be long.” I touched his arm and turned around. I actually hurried. Like, really hurried up. Within 20 minutes I was completely done. I even had a bag packed with clothes for the next 3 to 4 days. It would be easier to just stay there, I hope he thought so too. I figured they were upstairs in Steve's room. I went to the elevator and asked JARVIS for direction to Steve's room. I knocked once and the door opened instantly. Bucky. Big Blue eyes and thick brown hair, perfect jawline, and these soft looking lips. My stomach flipped. DAMMIT. He had a small smile on his face. “That was fast.” “I keep my promises.” I gave him a small smile myself. Wondering how it could feel so natural. I wasn't one to smile much. “What's that?” He asked, pointing at my bag. Suddenly I was embarrassed. What if he didn't like my idea? “I was going to ask you if you wanted to stay for a few days. But you beat me to that, doll.” He had a sly grin on his face. Just last like last night there was a short glimpse of the old Bucky. And damn he was even hotter than the other one. “You think you're going to be fine?” Steve's head appeared behind Bucky. “Sure.”, I smiled. “We're going to get some groceries on the way back and then we should be fine. I got some more movies, too.” Steve, probably remembering what I said earlier, just nodded. Bucky looked concerned. “Shopping?” he asked tentatively. “It's going to be fun, I promise.” I gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. “Let's go.” He nodded and off we went. 

 

In the same block as Bucky's apartment was a little convenience store. When we walked in I grabbed his in a glove covered metal hand, looking back at him trying to give him confidence with my presence. He seemed tense and nervous, but he nodded and we started browsing through the aisles. In his other hand, he held the basket while I put item after item in it. While making coffee I had looked a little through his cabinets and so I had at least a clue what to get. “What do you prefer for breakfast?” I tried to distract him from his nervousness. “Cereals.” “Which one?” He didn't answer but his eyes were glued to a box of Captain Crunch. I chuckled. “Alright, Captain Crunch it is. They're really not that bad.” He looked at me as if I had just said something unbelievably offensive. I couldn't help but laugh. He chuckled to himself and again there was a faint blush creeping over his face. It was cute. I had to look away and bit my lower lip. This was bad, I was way too into this guy. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I mean, I was sick of being alone, of being hunted and feared, but it was either that or become a lab rat for the gov. I couldn't possibly do that to myself again. 

We got a few more things like bread, eggs, and milk. “What's your favorite dinner, Bucky?” He thought about it for a few moments. “Lasagna.” “Alright, tonight we eat Lasagna.” After we had everything we needed we went up to the register. The cashier was polite but didn't bother to really look at us, which I was happy about since it would have made Bucky only unnecessarily nervous. We left and hurried back to his apartment. As soon as the door was closed Bucky visibly relaxed. “I'm sorry I forced you to do this.”, I said quietly. “No. It was nice.” I looked at him and he was smiling. A heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. “So, do you want me to kick your ass again?” I walked over to the TV and waved the Tekken case in his face. He grabbed the controller and put on a determined face. “In real life, you wouldn't stand a chance.” I scoffed. “You have no idea what I'm capable of, sugar.” I winked. “Then show me.” He got up and walked towards me. “Not here.”, I whispered. He was unbelievably close. I could have counted his eyelashes if I would have been able to concentrate. “Where?” He said with a growl in his voice. “Do you have a car?” I asked. “Motorcycle.” “Then let's go.” He nodded and together we left the apartment. I didn't even turn off the game. 

 

I told him to drive out of town to an abandoned factory. He knew the place. The ride took us only about 20 minutes. But it felt like an eternity since I had to hold on tight to Bucky and I kept wondering whether he could feel my heart pounding, hammering against my chest. It was a warm and sunny day so he didn't wear a jacket over his sweater. I could smell his skin. I could feel his back muscles move beneath me. I wanted so much more. DAMMIT. I was in love. 

When we arrived I was still busy thinking about the recent revelation I had. Bucky gave me a puzzled look. I tried to pull myself together as best as I could and so we walked onto the factory site.  
I stopped between two two-story buildings. There was a large square of sunlight in the middle surrounded by shadows. “Alright. Stand in the middle. In the light.” He obliged. I retreated into the shadows, facing him. “Shoot me.”, I called over to him. He just stood there very still. I walked over to him.  
“Do you have one on you?” I asked. He nodded. I knew he wouldn't leave the house unarmed. He was the Winter soldier after all. Bucky slowly reached down and pulled a gun out of his ankle holster. He still hadn't said anything. I felt bad for doing this to him. “Just shoot the wall behind me, okay? Nothing will happen, I promise.” He smiled even though he still looked unconvinced. “I believe you if you promise me.” Bucky simply said. I nodded and walked back to where I was before. I closed my eyes and concentrated.  
I felt my shadows grow and turn into my dear tentacles. They made their way around the square of light. “Do it.” He was fast. But my shadows were faster. As soon as the shadow of the bullet was in their reach they jumped up and the bullet froze in midair. I grinned. Bucky didn't move. But I could see the tension leaving him even from this far away. I wasn't done, though. I jogged back to where he was standing. I showed him the bullet and put it in my pocket. “For keepsake.”, I said winking. “Now, hit me.” He shook his head. I sighed. I tried to hit him. He blocked me. I kept on attacking and he kept on blocking but slowly moving backwards. Soon his shadow was in reach for my shadows and suddenly he couldn't block my hits anymore. But my fist stopped inches before his face, I stuck my tongue out. “Gotcha.” He was perplexed, to say the least. He couldn't move. I nodded to the floor and he could see my shadow tentacles crawling over his shadow up his arms and legs, holding him firm in place. I took a deep breath and released him. “One more thing.”, I said and jogged back to the shadows. Thank the Gods Bucky wasn't one to ask many questions. Though I saw them in his eyes. I was worried he'd become scared of my powers, of me. But I had to do this. This was the grand finale. Bucky watched the shadow tentacles surround him. They popped out of the floor and build a tent around him. I was careful to not put him into complete darkness. Instead, I let them dance around him, patches of sunlight still coming through and dancing in different patterns across his face. After a few minutes, I called the shadows back and walked over to him. His back was towards me. Carefully I approached him. “Bucky?” I was ready to defend myself in case I had caused a relapse. He turned and smiled. “That was beautiful.” These words hit me like a brick in my face. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Never had anyone ever said anything positive about my powers. I was a monster, tolerated but never accepted. Used but not loved. And now I was standing in front of a man who had seen the horrors that humans can do to one another and he who has seen what evil is, and he said my powers were beautiful.  
Bucky was shocked, confused and concerned at my tears and I tried to tell him that I wasn't sad but happy. I tried to dry my tears and looked down, ashamed at my weakness, when suddenly I felt Bucky's arms around me. He pulled me into an embrace and rested his chin on top of my head. Slowly my hands made their way around his waist and up his back until we were both holding onto each other for dear life. I don't know how long stood there like this, but when we parted things had changed for me. Pushing my doubts and fears aside, I called the shadows again and this time, they danced around us as he lowered his lips towards mine. 

When we got back to his apartment he looked at me. “Should I call Steve?” “If you think you're ready.” He bit his lip. I walked over to him and put my head to his chest. His heart was beating fast. “Give it another day or two. Just the two of us.” He put his arms around me. “Good idea.” That night we slept holding onto each other.


	4. Wednesday Night

WEDNESDAY (Night 3)

We stayed in bed for most of the day. Just enjoying the comfort of being with each other. That evening I made lasagna. “This was amazing.”, Bucky said as he pushed his plate away. “Thank you.” I feel myself blushing. His pupils were dilated and the blue of his eyes was darker than usual. He jumped up and started cleaning up. “Let me help you.” “No. You stay right there and look beautiful. I'll finish this up and then you can show me one of those movies you always talk about. The one with the alien in a box with a blue phone... the one you like so much.” I burst out laughing. “It's a television show, Bucky. It's about a time-traveling alien in a blue police phone box. But yeah, I'll show you that. Trust me it's so good, it's addictive.” I was beaming with delight that he surrendered to my nerdism without hesitation. Maybe not everything in my life was bad. Maybe I didn't have to be all by myself. I shook my head. I shouldn't think about this. I am here to help cure him. Afterwards, he probably won't see me the way he sees me now. He'll be his old self again and then he won't need me anymore. Me, the weird lonely mutant. “What's wrong, doll?” He tipped my chin up and forced me to look up at him. “Nothing.” It was as if clouds crowded in his eyes. He knew I was lying. “I'm worried.” I didn't really want to lie to him. “I'm worried what will happen when we do this. Not that anything goes wrong, but that everything will be different. It's selfish I know, and I know you're only doing this to ensure this whole thing works, but still...” my voice drifted off into silence. I looked away. My face felt hot with embarrassment. “I'm not.” He said. I lifted my gaze back up to him. There was fear in his eyes. “I'm not doing this because I have to or because this works. I'm doing this because I feel... close to you. Closer than I should probably. I didn't want to scare you off. But you're the first person, besides Steve, who I am able to communicate with. Who doesn't see me as a monster, you don't shy away from me.” And then it dawned on me. We were so much alike. It was uncanny. But in a way, we had lived similar lives. We were both confined to solitude on our own accords until we met each other. He kissed me again. If anyone would understand my need for solitude it would be him and if anyone could share it, it was also only Bucky who could. Bucky was the only one I have ever wanted to share my solitude with.   
My thoughts got lost when his hands cupped my face and he deepened the kiss. I was weak under his touch, I have to admit that there was not an ounce of hesitation inside of me. All I cared about was this man. I slipped off my chair, never breaking away from him. My hands were roaming over his body, feeling the muscles move underneath them. His hands slowly wandered downward from my face to my hair and neck and down my back to my hips. He pulled me closer. The energy of the kiss changed, it became more passionate, lustful. He sucked on my lower lip and it drove me crazy. I couldn't help but suck in my breath, I wanted more. We broke apart. Breathless. Air what is air, I kept thinking. He gave me a shaky smile, it immediately became one of my favorite. I couldn't keep from giggling. I hid my face in his chest, I didn't want this to end. I was happy, just for a few seconds I wanted to cherish this. He patted my head and put his arm around my shoulders. We walked to the couch and started watching my favorite show. At some point, he put his head in my lap and I let my fingers fondle his hair. It was peaceful. He fell asleep and when the DVD ended, I didn't want to wake him, so I marveled over the softness of his hair, his face, his shoulders, he was just perfection. Sleeping in my lap. DAMMIT. I put one hand behind my head as improvised head rest and tried to fall asleep. I concentrated on his even breathing and soon fell asleep. 

I woke up being carried. I opened my eyes just a fraction, I could see lips, smiling. I looked further up, still half asleep, eyes, equally tired but soft and warm and friendly. I slipped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest. He smelled so good. I couldn't describe it, it was just Bucky. He gently put me down on the bed, but I didn't want to let go. He fell over because I didn't let go and landed on top of me. We were both laughing but not hurrying to get untangled. He rolled over but immediately pulled me close again.This time in a way it was comfortable for both of us to sleep and kiss. Which is what we did for most of the night, kiss and touch. It was an unspoken agreement to take things slow. I was sure he had problems with intimacy, just as I had. This was good and for now, it was all I needed and all I could give.


	5. Thursday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Thursday... time for the next chapter. A little short, but I promise Friday Night is gonna be sweet. :) There'll be bowling and romance and cuteness.

Thursday (Night 4) 

Since we had made it a habit of staying up all night, we usually slept in very long. This day was no difference. Around noon he got up and mad two bowls of Captain Crunch and crawled back to bed. We ate in silence and cuddled up again. We didn't talk much, but it wasn't weird or awkward. I got up to take a shower around 5 pm. When I got out he was sitting in the living room with Steve and they played Tekken. Bucky was losing. He looked frustrated but it made me laugh because suddenly his scowl wasn't threatening or scary it was cute. He was so bad at it, it was hilarious. I slipped behind him, put my head on his shoulders and coached him through the next round. At first, he seemed a little uneasy with me being pressed against his back, Steve only glanced at us from the side and then turned his slowly blushing face back towards the TV. I took Bucky's wrists in my hand in order to keep his hands still while playing. “Breath, Bucky. Relax.” I hummed in his ear. I could feel him shiver and then relax and lean back a little. It was actually very comfortable and the game suddenly went surprisingly well. He only lost 2:1. Twenty minutes later he won his first round. Steve challenged me and I beat his ass in under a minute. “You guys are no match for me.”, I said with the most villainous laugh I could do. For that, I had a pillow thrown in my face. Still laughing at them I said : “You guys keep on practicing, I'll go get dinner.” Bucky got up halfway. “I'll be right back.”, I smiled. “Promise?” He seemed so vulnerable in this moment, I was hesitating to go at all now. “Promise.” His features relaxed and he resumed playing. Steve gave me a confused look but I just shook my head no once and left without another word. He might fancy me now, but once he's healed... there is no way. Depressed I made my way to the convenience store. I cried in the potato chips and canned goods aisle. When I got to the register, it was the same cashier from last time. 

“Good evening Miss, found everything you need?”   
“Yes, thank you.”   
“I saw you Monday. With your boyfriend.”   
“He's …” I stopped. Something was off about his tone.   
“Good looking guy, your boyfriend. Seems awfully familiar. Is he famous for something?”   
He was awfully slow scanning my items. “No.” I wanted to get out of here.   
“Hmm... I sure I know him from somewhere.” “I'm pretty sure you don't. We're new in the city.”   
“Oh, really now? Where did you come from then? He looks Russian.” I swallowed. I called my shadows. Something was off about this. His voice was dripping with malice now. “Mhh... If I could only remember his name...” “Who are you?” I demanded to know. In that moment a family walked in. The kids started running around the aisles asking to get various kinds of things. “That would be $ 25 and 50ct.” The evil look on his face, the malice in his voice were gone. I was startled, to say the least. I didn't relax. I grabbed my stuff and left quickly, but I swear when I turned around I heard him whisper “Hail HYDRA.” I tried to look casual as I made my way back to Bucky. My shadows watched out for me, making sure no one followed me.  
Needless to say, I wasn't happy when I got back to Bucky's place. 

“We need to leave. The guy in the grocery store...” I was shaking. Not out of fear for my life, I knew I could take care of that. But I was scared to death for Bucky's safety and I was angry with myself. “I didn't know. I should... How could this happen? We need … Oh god... what now. They found us.” I was rambling, not making any sense. Steve grabbed me by the arms. “What happened?” “Hydra.” I didn't need to say more, we packed up all of Bucky's stuff and left immediately. Steve was driving. I sat in the back.   
We arrived at Stark Tower shortly after that. Steve promised to send someone to check this guy out. When we entered the private living quarters of the avengers we were greeted by Natasha. Steve told her what happened and she and Clint went to check out the store and that guy. Bucky hadn't said anything to me since I got back. I was sure he hated me. It was my fault, after all, I dragged him into that stupid grocery store. “I'll go rest.”, I said to no one in particular and turned to leave.   
What I didn't see was the panic flaring up in Bucky's eyes and Steve who motioned to him to follow me. I only felt a tug at the hem of my shirt. I turned and there he was, looking like a lost puppy. “I'll come with you.” His voice was almost a whisper. I nodded. He let go and together we walked to my room.   
So he wanted to talk this out now? Well, I was depressed and pissed anyway. But instead of saying anything he pulled me close as soon as the door closed behind us. He held me really tight. “Bucky,... what's wrong?” “Are you hurt? I should have come with you. He could have hurt you. He didn't touch you, did he? ” His hands were cupping my face, his eyes searched mine. My heart stopped for at least 3 seconds completely. Was he worried? Not mad? “No, he didn't. But I thought you... would hate me because now you had to leave again. Because of me!” He made me look at him. “I haven't left my apartment once for the past 8 months. And you show up and I feel like I can do this. I was outside, because of you. You gave me the strength to pull through, doll. Without your help, I'd still be sulking around day after day.” He kissed me. And I believed him. I wanted to. But the doubts and fears didn't leave my mind completely. Bucky should be mad, he should hate me for dragging him out of his comfort zone. He shouldn't cradle me in his arms and pat my head like I was the one who needed saving. I was thinking about our situation when I fell asleep, still wrapped tightly in Bucky's arms. 

I woke up around midnight. I was starving. “Slept well?” I was startled. “Yea, you?” He shook his head. “I watched you. You're so innocent when you sleep.” “And I'm not when I'm awake, eh?” I raised an eyebrow at him in the dimly lit room. My gaze focused on the clock behind him on the wall. “Wait. What time is it? Midnight? You watched me for 4 hours, Barnes, bored much?” I couldn't help but laugh. “No, just mesmerized by the faces you make in your sleep. I felt my face turn crimson read. I filmed myself sleep for a while, turned out I talk a lot in my sleep, and I make faces. I was super embarrassed. Bucky laughed and I could feel myself relax as well. Maybe he really didn't blame me, but I couldn't possibly believe that. I was always blamed for the bad stuff that happened to the people around me, that'S why I decided to not have people around me. But for the moment, I desperately wanted to believe that Bucky didn't hate me. 

We went to the common room, which was empty. I whipped up something to eat and we watched all three lord of the ring movies back to back, somehow we were touching the whole time. Holding hands, leaning on each other... it didn't matter – what mattered was that I could feel him close to me. When Tony walked in on us at about 9 am, he just shook his head. “Nerds.” And left. But I was sure I saw him smile. After the last movie's credits rolled, I dragged a very sleepy Bucky back to bed. This time, we even managed to sleep in PJs and not in our street clothes.


	6. Friday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UUhhh... it's Friday night... ^^
> 
> I am currently working on the last chapter, I'll try my best to get it done this weekend but it might take me a while. :)

FRIDAY (Night 5)

It seemed to become a habit for us to sleep the whole day. This proofed to be convenient when you love in the Stark Tower and want to avoid people. It was Friday evening and Steve just showed us Bucky's new suite. It had been there all along but Bucky refused to live there. “I always felt this was too big. Too many people.” Bucky whispered as Steve showed us around. There was a big living room with all kinds of electronic shenanigans, a walk-in kitchen with floor-length windows, two bedrooms with their respective bathrooms and a balcony. You could see almost the whole city and the sun slowly dropping behind the skyline. It was beautiful. “You want to stay in the guest apartment downstairs?” I whispered back. He took my hand in his. “Nah, I think I'm good.” We walked Steve back to the door. “I'll see you guys tomorrow then.” , he gave us a sad little smile and left. “He misses you, you know.” , I told Bucky. “I miss him too.” He put his arm around me and we walked back to the balcony. “We should do something.” I suggested. “Like, what?” I thought about it for a second. “Stark has this all knowing computer... we could ask him.” “My name is J.A.R.V.I.S, a pleasure to meet you.” We both jumped at the sound of a voice coming from seemingly nowhere. I laughed it off. “Well J.A.R.V.I.S, can you tell us where to have fun in this tower?” “Mr. Stark has a variety of “fun activities” provided. A basketball court, a shooting range, a paintball field, a bakery, a mini golf course, a bowling alley and a windsurf channel, also there are the arcades including billiard and air hockey tables. Not to forget, there is an Olympia sized pool and a gym.” I was stunned. “That's... a lot to choose from. What do you want to do, Bucky?” He thought about it for a moment. “I don't really mind, whatever you like.” , he mumbled. He had his head turned slightly away from me so that his hair prohibited me from seeing his face. I ducked under him and forced him to look at me. “Hey. What's`wrong?” Then I saw that he was blushing. He didn't answer but just bit his lower lip. “Bucky?” I was confused and amused. “Bowling.” I almost didn't hear it. “Bowling? You want to go bowling?” I couldn't keep the grin off my face and I barely managed to keep my giggles inside. “Alright. Let's go bowling.” He looked up abruptly. “What? You have to teach me, though. I only know bowling from TV.” I turned and walked to the door. “Hey, J.A.R.V.I.S? Where is the bowling alley?”   
A few minutes later we were all set in an empty bowling alley. “So, how do you do this?” I picked one of the bowling balls up and was surprised by how heavy it was. “That's probably too big for you.” Bucky's voice was calm and quiet, filled with content. He grabbed the ball from my hands and handed me a smaller one. “This one suits you better.” It was shiny and black, like a ball filled with shadows. “It's pretty.” , I smiled. Bucky sighed. “Yeah, pretty won't help you win.” He winked at me. “This is my game, doll. Watch and learn.” He grabbed the ball he just took from me and got ready for his first throw. I sneaked up next to him and stopped close behind him. “I just want to see how you throw the ball.” , I said quietly. I could hear him catch his breath. Had I gone too far? But he smiled. “You're trying to distract me.” “Is it working?” “Yes.” I giggled and turned around, walking back to the table. I sat down and motioned to him to go ahead. There was a mini bar next to the table so I grabbed us something to drink and watched him closely. I seemed like he needed an extra moment to refocus, which made my smile brighten up even more. My face hurt because I had been smiling so much these past couple of days. With elegance and moving swift like a predator, Bucky sent the ball flying towards the pins. Strike. Of course. I slow clapped as he walked back to me. “Teach me your ways, great master.” I said bowing down. He laughed out loud and pulled me to my feet. “Okay, so you walk up to the lane and you move your arm like this.” He stood behind me and moved my arm back and forth. “Focus on the pins, not on the lane. Look at your target. Swing and release. But don't throw it, let it slide. Softly.” I could barely listen to his words because he kept on touching me and guiding my body. His smell was all around me and the heat coming from his body was about to drive me mad. I wanted to turn around and kiss him, and even though it wouldn't have been our first, it would be the first I initiated. I was afraid. “Hey, are you listening?” Bucky had the bowling ball in his hand showing me the throwing motion again when I snapped. I cut him off in the middle of his sentenced by pressing my lips to his and throwing my arms around his neck. He kissed me back almost immediately throwing his arms around my waist and back, holding me close. The only thing breaking us apart was a very loud crash followed by more crashing noises. When we turned to see what happened, we saw that Bucky had thrown the bowling ball through the back wall of the alley. I looked at him, my face probably as red as a traffic light, and saw that his face was at least equally as red as mine. We couldn't do anything but laugh, though I didn't want to know what Stark would say about this. Well, I could always pay for the repairs, after he paid me. “Oops.” Bucky said, biting his lower lip again. “I'm sorry, I distracted you again.” I couldn't keep the sheepish grin off my face. “I like when you distract me.” , his smile was warm, just like his eyes.   
We actually got to play a few minutes later. It took me 2 rounds to find my way into this game and soon I even had my first strike. Bucky was impressed. “You're really something, doll.” I loved when he called me that. It was so old-timey, kind of cute. Also, it was a sign of the old Bucky, the one I was supposed to bring back.   
“Are you hungry?” , I asked him in the middle of our second game. “Starving.” He was concentrating on his net throw. He had a lucky streak, only strikes until now. I looked around the bowling alley and the star shaped fairy lights at the bar reminded me of something. I had an idea. “Let's do it on the roof!” I called out to Bucky. His head whipped around, I sucked my breath in, realising what I had just said, and Bucky broke the ball he had been holding in his metal hand. “I mean... eating. Let's eat outside, on the roof, or on your balcony.” I was tripping over my words and cursed myself internally until I heard him laugh. “Yeah, doll, let's do it on the roof.” He walked past me still laughing, grabbed my hand and pulled me after him. I still hadn't mustered the courage to look in his face. How could that happen? I was so embarrassed. “You don't want to finish the game?” “No. Your idea sounds better.” I was too stunned to say much else on our way upstairs. The elevator stopped and a stranger got in. He was wearing a lab coat, he seemed like a normal human. He looked at Bucky and you could see him grow visibly paler. His eyes were wide and sweat appeared on his face. He was terrified. Of course, Bucky noticed. I could see his good mood seep away with every second this guy kept staring. I cleared my throat and used my shadows to turn the man's face back to the door. Fortunately, he got off very soon. “I hate people.” , I muttered. Bucky didn't say anything, when we got to the suite he vanished into one of the bedrooms. I decided to leave him some space and prepare dinner. It was chilly outside so made my specialty, beef stew. Whenever I felt sad, it helped. Next, I carried out all the blankets and pillows I could find and build a nest on the balcony, in which two people could comfortably sit. I found candles and even a little garden lantern that covered everything in a soft rainbow glow. Then I carried the food and some champagne outside and decided it was time to get Bucky.   
Softly I knocked on his door, it wasn't closed. I slipped into the darkness behind it and made my way to the bed. One of the perks of my powers were my enhanced night vision. I saw through the shadows, so I didn't trip nad actually managed to reach him without waking him. He laid on his stomach, face covered by hair. His shirt was on the floor and he was only covered by the blanket up to his hips. I couldn't help myself but watch him for a few minutes, he was so precious my heart ached. I wanted to be with him so much, but I would never be able to if we did this. I sighed internally, there was no other way. “Bucky?”, I whispered. His eyes opened immediately. He just looked at me. “Come on, I made dinner. And I have a little surprise for you.” He hesitated. “James Buchanan Barnes, you better get your sweet ass out of bed or so help me...aah!” I couldn't finish my sentence because he had pulled me down on the bed and pinned me to the mattress. He held me by the arms but other than his hands, he didn't touch me. I was a little out of breath and completely overwhelmed by his closeness. “So, you think my ass is sweet?” He was too close. I couldn't think. I couldn't answer. He came closer, his lips hovering above mine. It was just the ghost of a kiss, but in this setting, it was enough to make completely submissive. Bucky jumped up and put his shirt back on. “You said you had a surprise and dinner? I'm all yours.” I was still laying on his bed. Contemplating my life choices and how they have lead me to that moment. “Yeah... balcony. I'll be right there.” He chuckled and walked outside. Seconds later he came back. I was just sitting up on the bed, still dazed and confused. What had he done to me? I was completely, hopelessly, and irrevocably in love with this man. And soon I would make him go away forever. I hated myself, but I couldn't busy myself thinking about it, because whenever I did he was there, distracting me. I decided to make this our last, great night. It was time. “You're amazing.” He stormed over to me and picked me up in his arms and hugged me. “It's beautiful. Let's eat.” I chuckled and followed him. We ate mostly in silence and watched the city lights. Bucky got up and went inside, when he came back he had a little radio with him. He turned it on and found a channel playing swing. There was a melancholic look on Bucky's face. “I used to go to a bar with Steve and dance with dames all night.” “I can imagine it. Sergeant Barnes, the dancing soldier.” I giggled and leaned my forehead on his shoulder. He had to laugh himself. When we quieted down, Bucky looked me in the eyes and said: “Tell me about your life.” I knew this would probably come up at some point. And I knew that I couldn't and didn't want to keep secrets from him. 

“I had a nice family until I realised I had powers. I was about 9 when I controlled the shadows for the first time. I had always been talking to them, they whisper to me constantly, as a kid no one bats an eye when you talk to your invisible friends, but when you get older...   
My family send me to different church camps and tried to pray the mutant away. When that didn't help, I was 13, they told me that I had to go away. “A government facility for gifted children” they called it. All it was, was a military base somewhere in Nevada where they experimented on me the whole day and threw me into a tiny cell at night. I stayed there until I was 15, then I managed to break out. But I wasn't lucky, I got caught by a corrupt lab assistant, the one friendly guy in the lab, and he sold me to some shady Russians. I was with them for 6 years. They forced me to use my powers to get information from foreign spies, agents, or at least that's what they said these people were. But they were criminals, civilians...” I couldn't keep going on. Tears welled up in my eyes. “I'm sorry.” Bucky hugged me. “I'm sorry for asking. You don't have to tell me.” I regained my composure. “I want to.” He nodded. “They put all kinds of people on the chair and made me take their mind apart piece by piece. I couldn't fight it. They gave me a drug that made me feel numb and detached from reality. I knew what I was doing but I couldn't do anything about it. Before I got away, they planned to transfer me somewhere else. I knew if I ever wanted to stop, I had to take this chance. I saved my powers, I prayed to the shadows, I promised them no more drugs, nothing that would cloud my mind if they helped me now. And they did. See, the shadows, they are alive in some way. They need me as much as I need them to live. And so they saved me. I don't remember how they got me out, I just woke up in the woods days later. Every since then I hired myself out as “Noir” doing things I'm not proud of, but they kept me off the streets and secured my freedom. Funny, how this is the first time in 8 years that I actually live somewhere. Well, I guess there is not much more to say about me.” 

We sat in silence for a while and when I glanced at Bucky, he was biting his lower lip. He looked like he was thinking hard about something. “Everything okay, Bucky?” He looked at me with a blank expression for a moment. “Yeah, everything is just fine, doll.” And I knew that he meant it. Now he knew that I was dirty, that I had done bad things, hurt people and still he could look me in the eye and smile. I knew it was time. “Tomorrow is the day.”, I said quietly. “I know.” His face was serious. There were unsaid things between us, but how could I put what I felt into words that wouldn't scare him off? How could I risk saying anything when I still had a job to fulfill? I couldn't possibly tell him that he was the first person in my life I have ever loved. Bucky put his arm around me and pulled me in close. I could feel him kiss the top of my head. “What happens afterwards?” He asked. I knew what he meant. “You'll sleep for a few hours, wake up and be free. Maybe you'll feel differently, maybe it'll take some time until you realize that you're free. I can't say. But you won't be alone. You have Steve and all the others just waiting for you to recover.” “Will I still have you?”   
He had to ask. I didn't want to tell him, but what choice did I really have? “You probably won't see me the way you see me now, so it's best if I go as soon as we're done.” I tried to keep my voice from shaking, but with every syllable that left my lips I felt more and more broken and hurt. He noticed. “I won't.” “You don't know that.” “But you do?” Did I? I wasn't sure what I knew was true and what I wished to be true and where the difference was. I sighed. “Most people don't take kindly to me after the procedure.” I simply said. “Why?” I remembered how I had liked him because he didn't ask many questions, and now of all moments he decided to unleash all the questions on me. “Because it hurts. Because I force you to dig in parts of your mind you don't want to dig in. I become your nightmare. The thing in the shadows. That thing chasing you. At least that's what they remember.” “Not for me. I know you want to help me. I want you to help me, even if I have to go through hell. I want to get better.” It sounded all so logical, but the human mind doesn't always work logically. “Maybe. We'll see, I guess.” “Promise you won't leave before I wake up.” I hesitated. To me, promises were something you didn't joke about. “I promise.” I thought that having my heart broken by him would help me get over him in the future. I grabbed my glass and made a toast: “Let's just pretend tonight is our last night on this planet. And not think about tomorrow.” He looked at me seriously, I knew he didn't want to toast to that, but he did. “Our last night on earth.”, I smiled. After we sat down our glasses, Bucky jumped up and pulled me to my feet. “I remember this song.” It was slow and heavy. He pulled me close and I buried my face in his chest as we swayed to the music in silence. He rested his chin on my head held me tight. I was never much of a dancer, but when someone leads you like this, you don 't have to do much except let it happen. There were a couple of slow songs playing now and so we stood there for what felt like an eternity and at the same time it was as if only a second had passed.   
He whispered my name. I looked up and he caught my lips with his. He always surprised me with his kisses. I gave in completely, and this time, when our kisses grew more passionate and demanding, we didn't stop. Somehow we managed to get back down on the blankets without breaking apart. His hands were everywhere, his weight pressed me down and I never felt so comfortable and safe. He was my heaven.   
That night we slept with each other, multiple times. I couldn't stop touching him. I wanted to feel everything now so that I at least had some memories when I had to go. When the sun came up, we finally went back inside to sleep. This afternoon I would to what I came to do. I'd go inside his head and fix him.


	7. AFTER (Saturday Afternoon)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're going in and shit hits the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not even going to start finding excuses why I took so long. University was on summer break and I was busy doing nothing. So now that the semester has started I suddenly feel much more motivated to write fanfic especially because this allows me to procrastinate on my homework while actually DOING something :D anyways I hope you enjoy this. There will be a little Epilogue coming. But only because I am not sure how this will end... you'll see when you finish this chapter. Please don't be mad and enjoy! xox
> 
> comments and suggestions always appreciated

AFTER (Saturday afternoon) 

 

 

“If she doesn't want anyone in the room, then so be it.” Bucky crossed his arms before his chest and gave Steve a stern look. Steve was furious. I had requested everyone to leave the room, I only allowed a camera, without sound, just so they could come in, in case I passed out. “Bucky,...- “ “No. Steve, this is not your decision.” Bucky wouldn't back down. For once in my life I was unable to speak up or react in any other way. I was too busy trying not to go crazy. I was scared, I was nervous and there was no way a bunch of people staring at me would help me in any way. Steve let out a dissatisfied grunt and slammed the door when he left. “Hey, are you alright?” Bucky's face was full of concern. I tried to smile. “That's my line.” I turned away quickly, so he wouldn't see my face. I might have been able to sound happy but my eyes were an open book to him. “Let's get started.” 

We were back in the guest apartment. Bucky and I had a mutual hatred for labs, so we figured both of us would be more comfortable in a known surrounding. I refused to do this in Bucky's apartment; I didn't want him to connect this place with pain. Thus, we were now in a small-ish bedroom, nothing is actually small in Stark Tower, with an angry Steve pacing the living room. We got on the bed, face-to-face. The blinds were drawn and all the lights had been turned off. I could see him clearly, but to him I must have been only a silhouette even though I was only inches away from him. “Relax. Close your eyes and just listen to my voice.” He said nothing in response, but his hands searched for mine. I took them in mine and gave him a reassuring squeeze. I concentrated. I had to do this right. With every word I uttered my shadows showed me a clearer picture of his thoughts...

 

“Remember the first time you went dancing with a girl? How did she look? Picture it in your mind. What music was playing, how did her laugh sound?” I asked these questions quietly, slowly waiting for the picture to generate in his mind. I could hear the music too. They were spinning and laughing. He looked young, he could have been barely 16 or 17. I continued to ask questions about these memories to prompt him to give me a detailed and elaborate picture of the situation. Then I went in. 

My shadows engulfed him head to toe. I closed my eyes and opened my mind. Bucky was dressed typically for his time, cheap but he still looked good. He was so handsome. For a moment I just enjoyed watching him. But I could already feel the strain on my body this operation was having. “You need to go outside, Bucky.” I tried in a calm voice. He didn't react. I wasn't getting through to him. The tricky part of this operation was that once the mind is coerced in a memory, it is very hard to get it to pay attention to you. That's why I nobody ever thought kindly of me afterwards. I turned into their literal nightmare and scared them into madness. But I couldn't scare someone into sanity. I grew more and more desperate. “Bucky, come one please. SEE ME!” I yelled out. Suddenly, the scene paused, the noises disappeared. He turned around. He looked confused. I beckoned him to follow me. I went outside. With my real voice I said: “Have you ever seen such a beautiful landscape.” And in his mind from one second to another the dancing scene changed into a beautiful snow landscape. I looked around for him, he was standing a few feet behind me, still the young Bucky. But terror was twisting his face. I tried to figure out what had gone wrong, that he was so scared of me suddenly, but then I realized he was looking at something, SOMEONE behind me. I turned around and in the middle of the vast nothingness of miles and miles of snow, there was a dark figure stalking towards us. I knew only one person who moved like that. The Wintersoldier. There he was, he appeared much sooner than I had anticipated. And I didn't like surprises. Especially not when in someone elses mind. I turned to the young Bucky. “Oh God, help me.” He looked absolutely petrified. “Bucky.” I said. His eyes snapped over to me. “You are stronger than him.” He shook his head. Eyes darting between me and the approaching figure in the snow. We didn't have much time. I couldn't help him physically. All I could do was talk to him. The Wintersoldier got closer and closer and with every step he took the air grew measurably colder. “Shit.” I uttered under my breath. Bucky wasn't going to do anything. This was the Wintersoldier against what was left of the old Bucky, and the odds couldn't have been worse. I sprinted through the snow and grabbed Bucky's hand. “Move.” I pulled him after me. I didn't know what to do now, I just knew I needed time to get away from the Wintersoldier until Bucky was ready to face him. The Wintersoldier, just like the killer in old horror movies, stalked after us never speeding up, never slowing down and yet we couldn't outrun him. My real voice said: “Remember the best moment of your life? That one time where everything was just like it should.” Inside his mind the scenery changed again. We were in his apartment. The bedroom. I could see us in bed. He was holding me in his arms, eyes wide open, mine closed. I was sleeping and he was watching me. I looked to my right, but the young Bucky had disappeared. The Bucky in bed suddenly saw me. When he looked down, the sleeping me hadn't moved a bit. I waved him over. He got up and walked over to me. When he looked back with a puzzled expression on his face, he saw a copy of himself still in bed. After all, a memory is nothing but a picture or a movie playing in your head. “Why do I know what's going on?” Bucky was confused. I chuckled. “Because it would be very unsettling of you did not realize that I am stranger in your mind.” My answer didn't satisfy him, but that didn't matter. “I need you to get ready.” He gave me yet another puzzled look. “You're under attack. Someone is coming for you and the only way you can stop this is face him.” “Who?” And then it dawned on me. The Wintersoldier hadn't gotten this far. Conscious Bucky was stronger now than he had ever been, so maybe his subconscious version of himself was stronger than well. “The Wintersoldier.” He turned and walked to his closet. “I have no weapons” “You are a concious mind walking in his subconscious, tell yourself there are weapons in your closet.” He gave me a quizical look. I raised my eyebrows waiting. He reached for the closet door again. This time when he opened them, there was gear and weapons and even a rocket launcher. The temperature suddenly dropped incredibly fast. “Hurry. He's coming.” Just as he zipped up a leather jacket, the door burst open. There he was, just a few feet away from us. The Wintersoldier. But what he did next, was something I would have never thought possible. A fragment of Bucky's subconscious had become an autonomous part and was now pursuing total control over his mind. But instead of going after his conscious self, he went after me. I could barely move out of the way so that his fist landed in the wall behind me. I started to run, but he grabbed me by the back of my jacket and pulled me back. I flew through the room and hit my head – hard. The air was pressed out of my lungs. I couldn't use my shadows to fight back, because that would mean fighting against Bucky. I couldn't do that. The only one I would be hurting would be the concious Bucky. I looked on as Bucky faced the Wintersoldier. He wouldn't let him through to me. The fight was short and brutal. The Wintersoldier almost tore Bucky apart. And the moment I saw the concious Bucky close his eyes, I knew I had failed. I had underestimated the Wintersoldier. Completely. 

 

I was thrown out of his mind and when I opened my eyes, I looked into the cold eyes of a killer. His hand closed around my neck. I hoped the others would see that something was wrong, though he made sure I was unable to move. “You shouldn't have come for me.” he hissed in Russian. I was losing my grip on reality. I was weak. And I desperately tried to understand how I could have been so wrong. How could I have possibly lost Bucky? Now the Wintersoldier was his conscious and Bucky, if there was something left of him, was a prisoner in his own head. But then it dawned on me and with all the strength I could muster up I sent my shadows inside his head. I let them dig into it and tear it apart piece by piece. Every death, every cry for mercy, blood, gore, screams, and darkness, so much darkness. I tore through it like an animal. Ripping him apart while his hands try to squeeze the life out of me. I sent him a message with my mind “If I am going down, I am sure to take you with me.” And with that my shadows finally swallowed up what was the Wintersoldier's conscious. I rolled over exhausted and fell off the bed. Steve rushed in before I hit the floor. The last thing I heard was Banner “He's still breathing.” And with that I let got of the pain and exhaustion. My job was done. I saved him. Whether I died now or not wasn't important. Only he was. I heard Steve talking to me. I opened my eyes once more, I could see myself in his eyes, wide with shock. I could see my face, my own eyes reflecting from his. They were black. There was no white or red, no iris no pupil seen, just two deep black spheres. I closed my eyes again and then I entered the void.


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was it, folks. Show's over. Finito. Done. Vorbei. Ende. Or is it? 
> 
> Thank you for all your support, ever hit, kudo, comment and bookmark is appreciated.  
> Thanks to all those readers sticking with the story since August, you're the best! 
> 
> I hope you liked it. Check out my other stories if you like. I accept prompts via dm 

EPILOGUE

 

How do you describe nothingness? How could I possibly turn what happened into words. The void. The realm of shadows. I was falling. I knew I wasn't physically falling but my mind was. I didn't feel or see or hear anything, I was just nothing falling into nothingness. It didn't make sense. But death doesn't need to make sense. Death just does what it wants. And if it wants to take you and you let it, it will. So there I was falling, waiting to shatter. I had no sense of time or place or anything. I remembered my life. The good parts and the bad ones, too. But this time, there was no pain, no fear or anger. There was enlightenment. I remembered the things I had forgotten. The way the shadows had haunted my family, how they almost killed my little brother when I was mad at him for breaking my doll. I remembered how desperately they wanted to help me get them under control. But I also remembered the day my mother locking me into an empty, brightly lit closet when my dad left the house. I remembered her arranging the lamps in a way that no shadows were cast. She would leave me in there until my dad came home from work. I remembered that that's why they sent me away. All these suppressed memories came floating back to me in the nothingness. My dad talking to me quietly. “Your mom is sick with worry about you.”, he said. “SICK WITH FEAR”, the shadows hissed. “We need to find help for you. She says you're getting worse.”, he said. I didn't answer. The one time I tried to tell him that she locked me up, she stopped giving me food for three days. I looked down at my hands, ashamed. “I found a place where they can help you.” , he said. “LIIIES! THEY DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE!” , the shadows hissed. I remembered the institution, the experiments, the pain... only pain was washing over me now. I didn't feel it, but I knew I should feel facing these memories. Then I reached the day I saw Bucky for the first time. My fall slowed down. I still didn't feel, but I realized this feeling I wanted to feel over and over. I remembered the days we spent together, every laugh, every touch. And then I heard his voice. It was quiet at first, but it grew louder and more desperate. He cried out my name and there was so much pain and desperation in it, I wanted to answer him, I wanted to see him, touch him, one more time. Suddenly my memories began to whirl around and I was no longer just falling I was crashing. I could feel, fear, love and pain, so much pain.  
I opened my eyes and even though it was impossible, I was falling down a well. I felt lie Alice, tumbling over and over in the air while falling deeper and deeper. There was a shadow tentacle wrapped around my torso, pulling me down. I looked up and I saw a little patch of light, getting smaller every second. I tried to call my shadows but they only hissed at me. I was weak and they were mad. Powers like mine can take over one's mind. I've heard it from other mutants, people succumbing to their power and giving up their humanity. It happened before. And now it should happen again, according to the shadows. A weak human can't keep them in control. I started to fight. I tried to call for Bucky but I knew he couldn't help me now. I needed to fight my demons and get them back under control. I knew if I could get this tentacle off of me, I could make it. I tried to pull the tentacle off while telling my shadows to give up. I knew, they knew I was only weak enough to be overtaken as long as I was trapped in my own mind. With one final soul shattering scream I broke free. The falling stopped. I heard voices. I felt a soft mattress underneath me. I tried to open my eyes, but it was so bright. Then darkness. I panicked. “No no no, please no.” I tried to say, but it wasn't more than a grunt. But it was a sign. And suddenly it was bright again, hands were touching my face, hands and face again. I could feel something dripping on my face. Slowly I tried to open my eyes again. This time instead of bright light, I saw bright blue eyes. He had been crying. I saw a smile surrounded by an unkempt beard. “Good morning, doll.” I tried to smile. I'm back, I'm in charge of my powers and now I just need to get back on my feet. I cosed my eyes and fell asleep. 

A few days later I was able to speak and sit up again. I hadn't seen Bucky since I woke up, which had me worried. Turned out the procedure had done some serious damage to my brain and for a while they didn't know whether I would ever recover enough to wake up. No one said a word about Bucky, and I didn't ask. But on day 4 after I woke up, Steve visited me. We made a little small talk and then I looked him square in the face and said: “ Does he hate me?” Steve looked at me confused for a second, up until now we had been talking about whether Banner's new beard looked horrible or just aweful. But he realised quickly who and what I was talking about. “He doesn't hate you. He's just...” “Not so much in love with me anymore? I expected that.” I sighed. I started to map out a plan for the next few weeks, where I would stay and when I would be able to take on a new job. “No.” Steve said suddenly, really loud and determined. “He loves you so much. He blames himself for not being able to fight his own fights. He remembers, you know? What happened in his head. He remembers how he couldn't protect you from the Wintersoldier. He believes part of him wanted to kill you and he worries he can't control himself around you.” I stared at him in disbelief. “So I guess he doesn't feel different after all.” “What do you mean?” “Well, it is true that the Wintersoldier did this to me, but at that time he was the conscious mind controling the body of James Barnes. Bucky, as we know him, was locked up in the deepest corner of his subconscious. The Wintersoldier is gone. I destroyed him. That was the only thing left to do after everything went so horribly wrong. He wasn't supposed to be that strong. But guilt and shame and anger are the perfect energy source for the darkness inside our heads. I underestimated him and he had the upper hand. Now he's gone forever.” Steve got up without another word and left the room. I was stunned but then I ealised, I had put everyone in danger with my mistake. If the Wintersoldier would have gotten out,... I didn't want to think of what would have happened then. A few minutes later, Bucky stormed in. Without a word he pulled me into his embrace. I couldn't handle it. I started crying like a baby. I cried for him, for myself, for my family and for the Wintersoldier. I had felt death reaching for me, I had experienced the horror of the nothingness. The emptyness that turns into eternity. If I had sent the Wintersoldier there, then I felt sorry for him. Just this once and then never again. 

Turned out I had been in a coma for almost a month. It took me a while until I regained most of my physical strength, I would have been back on my feet much sooner but Bucky insisted on keeping me in bed until Banner threatened him to Hulk-out if he kept on hoding me prisoner. 

 

***3 Months later***

Now. 

We met and moved in together. We moved in together and never slept apart from one another. We became friends and we became lovers. That's how one could describe our love in three sentences. But that would leave out a whole lot of cuteness, drama and videogames. Looking back, it was a crazy journey. I found someone just as damaged as I am. Someone who understands the ugly side of me. Someone who can keep up with that side if he has too. Bucky is different now. He seems to be smiling all the time, only when he thinks no one watches him, like right now, his face falls. He thinks I don't know, but I can feel it. He doesn't quite believe it. I can't help him with that. The human mind is a very complex place and who knows, maybe the footprints in the snow are frozen solid and Bucky won't be able to ever forget who has walked this land. But whatever happens now, I'll be there to save him. He's outside on the balcony, looking over the city. I walk up behind him, my arms circle his waist. I hide my face between his shoulder blades and inhale his scent. “I love you.” He says. “I love you too.” He kisses me and we both turn to look at the beautiful sunset.


End file.
